Have you ever felt like you don’t belong anywhere? Like you’re the third wheel literally everywhere in life? I’ve got this darkness in me. I hate it. I generally do a fair enough job of keeping that shit bottled up, but every once in a while it gets out and fucking destroys me. Like now, for instance. I’ve always wanted to see a therapist. When I was seventeen I figured it would be helpful with this thing that constantly threatens to overwhelm me. But my parents decided that whatever was the matter with me would be solved by praying about it, and that it was because of whatever I was listening to or watching on TV. It’s not, though. I watch comedies and listen to happy music because it keeps this shit at bay. Sometimes that’s all that keeps it away from me. I try–really I do–to keep a lid on it, but it sneaks out in various ways. When I drink, I always drink too much because once I let my guard down it comes at me. So when I drink, I drink to the point of oblivion. There are other mildly and not-so-mildly self-destructive behaviors, but that’s a prime example. With the few people who’ve put up with me long enough to be considered friends, I always feel like a burden. I try to offset that by fixing things, cooking, doing dishes, paying for stuff when I can, but I can count on one hand the number of times in my life where I felt like I was honestly accepted. I don’t go in public because I’m a big guy, and I’m constantly in people’s way. I don’t talk on the phone because I lose my train of thought and start to stammer. I’ve built my life around the my desire to not be a burden on those around me.  
And love. What the fuck was I ever thinking, thinking that that was something I could have? I’m broke, homeless, I have no future…I have nothing. Am nothing. All I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved in return. That’s honestly it. I’d die for the six close friends I have without a second thought. But what I truly want is something they can’t give me. I want to be in love. I want to wake up next to someone. I want to drop kids off at school in a minivan. I want to work through the rough times because we love each other. I want to spend Friday night playing with her hair while we eat cheap pizza and watch Netflix, or play video games. I want to share my life with someone special, and have her think I’m special, too. I want to make her eyes light up when I sing to her, or dance to nothing in the kitchen. I wanna work my ass off alongside her so that we can build a life together that we can be proud of, and then I want to sit on the porch and look back on it with contentment, knowing that even though it was hard work, it was worth it. I guess that’s too much to hope for in this lifetime. All of my peers have their someone. I know that Facebook is only a highlight reel, and that everyone is going through their own shit, but fuck me, it looks like their shit is a lot better than mine. 
My shit…holy shit. I’ve had to start over from zero so many times…I don’t honestly know if I have another one in me at this point. No matter what I do, I always land back at nothing. A few months ago I was looking at buying a house, maybe a car, putting money away to pay off my student loans, but now I’m back at zero yet again. 
What am I doing so wrong that I can’t have love, can’t have money, can’t have anything? Is it something I’m doing? Is it fate just wanting an ass to kick and me being unlucky? Everything I ever touch eventually turns to shit, and I don’t know how to fix it! I’m not one to sit around and expect the kindness of others. I’d much rather figure out the problem and fix it, but I don’t know what it is. I’ve heard “be patient,” “it’ll happen for you,” “you just wait, happiness is right around the corner,” and “you’re fine just the way you are, you’ll see,” for the past ten years. When?! Where is the corner? If I’m fine like I am, then why am I so fucking miserable and lonely all the time? 


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